Reaper man
Member
That image is prehistoric.
The funny link/joke/image repository
- Thread starter shawn
- Start date
That image is prehistoric.
ShamWow Guy in jail
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1910326
This video is funny as hell. :retardedlol:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1910326
This video is funny as hell. :retardedlol:
Reaper man
Member
BWAHAHA college humor vids are usually always funny.
I don't know if this is funny, though I was smiling and laughing watching these video's.
This is a Youtube channel about this bridge with a 11'8" height clearance and the drivers that have no clue that their vehicles are a bit taller than that.
The video's aren't to big as video's go and there are a bunch of them.
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=yovo68&view=videos
This is a Youtube channel about this bridge with a 11'8" height clearance and the drivers that have no clue that their vehicles are a bit taller than that.
The video's aren't to big as video's go and there are a bunch of them.
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=yovo68&view=videos
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
McDonalds Application
This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida – and they actually hired him!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida – and they actually hired him!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
This link is to the Racial Slur Database or RSDB. It might piss off a few of the thinner skinned people here but I'm sure there are a several that'll have a fieldday with this search engine. 
http://www.rsdb.org/
http://www.rsdb.org/
PEACHES
Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and sai, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
[SIZE=+2]APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER[/SIZE]
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form. [SIZE=-1]1. Name :__________________________________________________ Date of Birth :_________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #______________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]5. Home address :____________________________ City/ State____________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]8. Number of years parents married :__________________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1](If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]_______________________________________________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]14. Church you attend :_________________________________ How often you attend :_______________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1](that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1](Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]a serpentine fashion is advised. )[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Signature (that means your name, moron)______________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD[/SIZE]
Cute little cartoon
http://909sickle.com/s/dude-goes-to-linux-716/
Here's 2 links to cracked dot com.
This one is what if Banner Ads were truthful, I laughed by balls off.
http://www.cracked.com/article_15888_if-banner-ads-were-forced-to-be-truthful.html
This one is a forum contest with entries to the contest "Inappropriate Childrens Books"
http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic...otoshop-contest-inappropriate-childrens-books
Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and sai, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
[SIZE=+2]APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER[/SIZE]
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form. [SIZE=-1]1. Name :__________________________________________________ Date of Birth :_________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #______________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]5. Home address :____________________________ City/ State____________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]8. Number of years parents married :__________________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1](If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]_______________________________________________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]14. Church you attend :_________________________________ How often you attend :_______________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1](that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1](Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]a serpentine fashion is advised. )[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Signature (that means your name, moron)______________________________________________________[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD[/SIZE]
Cute little cartoon
http://909sickle.com/s/dude-goes-to-linux-716/
Here's 2 links to cracked dot com.
This one is what if Banner Ads were truthful, I laughed by balls off.
http://www.cracked.com/article_15888_if-banner-ads-were-forced-to-be-truthful.html
This one is a forum contest with entries to the contest "Inappropriate Childrens Books"
http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic...otoshop-contest-inappropriate-childrens-books
Orgasmic Simulator, no nudity or anything but it is suggestive.
http://www.receivedit.com/documents/Orgasmic Simulator.htm
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am almost forty and with kids, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through pre-menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
The most retarded site ever but I figured someone here will like it since it's totally unique and I laughed because it caught me off guard.
Its time for Dinosaur Fucking Robots Dot Com.
http://dinosaursfuckingrobots.com/
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
http://www.receivedit.com/documents/Orgasmic Simulator.htm
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am almost forty and with kids, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through pre-menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
The most retarded site ever but I figured someone here will like it since it's totally unique and I laughed because it caught me off guard.
Its time for Dinosaur Fucking Robots Dot Com.
http://dinosaursfuckingrobots.com/
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
No Nudity but still not safe for work at all.
A page of sexual definitions and there are a lot and most are totally sick and I wouldn't do them for cash and for some reason I'm still giggling while typing this.
Some of the terms defined are German Plunger, Butt Rodeo, New York Style Taco, and the Rusty Trombone to name just a few.
http://rmccurdy.com/scripts/.sexterms.txt
A page of sexual definitions and there are a lot and most are totally sick and I wouldn't do them for cash and for some reason I'm still giggling while typing this.
Some of the terms defined are German Plunger, Butt Rodeo, New York Style Taco, and the Rusty Trombone to name just a few.
http://rmccurdy.com/scripts/.sexterms.txt
This is an actual memo written by Matt Stone regarding the "South Park Movie" and the MPAA
Scroll down to see the enlarged version.
http://humor.beecy.net/misc/southparkmpaa/
<Turkeyslam> oh man I saw pure gold at lunch, I was sitting near this group of black guys at a table and they all had tucked in shirts and shit, looked educated, I think they were studying calculus or something
<Turkeyslam> and across from there, there was another table with a bunch of white guys, all ghetto looking, three of them wore fucking grills, sagging pants, and one was playing some 50 cent ringtone or some shit
<Turkeyslam> going "yeah boiiii"
<Turkeyslam> and one of the black guys in the table next to me muttered "fucking niggers"
<Turkeyslam> I choked on my fucking jolt cola
So cute
http://www.deanhunt.com/singles-advert.html
Chick Gets Revenge On Construction Workers
Video that is sort of nsfw, language and butt shot but no frontal nudity and it is funny.
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2008/6/Chick-Gets-Revenge-On-Construction-Workers-512510.html
Scroll down to see the enlarged version.
http://humor.beecy.net/misc/southparkmpaa/
<Turkeyslam> oh man I saw pure gold at lunch, I was sitting near this group of black guys at a table and they all had tucked in shirts and shit, looked educated, I think they were studying calculus or something
<Turkeyslam> and across from there, there was another table with a bunch of white guys, all ghetto looking, three of them wore fucking grills, sagging pants, and one was playing some 50 cent ringtone or some shit
<Turkeyslam> going "yeah boiiii"
<Turkeyslam> and one of the black guys in the table next to me muttered "fucking niggers"
<Turkeyslam> I choked on my fucking jolt cola
So cute
http://www.deanhunt.com/singles-advert.html
Chick Gets Revenge On Construction Workers
Video that is sort of nsfw, language and butt shot but no frontal nudity and it is funny.
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2008/6/Chick-Gets-Revenge-On-Construction-Workers-512510.html
OMFG, I laughed so fucken hard. My chest and stomach still ache and I have tears in my eyes. I actually had to stop reading 3 times so I could breath because I couldn't stop laughing. I haven't laughed that hard in months or maybe even over a year. I absolutely exhausted from laughing, omg.
[SIZE=+2]Famous Sexual Quotes[/SIZE]
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."* Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."* Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."* Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."* Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."* Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."* Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."* Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."* Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"* Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."* Robin Williams
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."* Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."* Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."* Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."* Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."* Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."* Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."* Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"* Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."* Robin Williams
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
IRS
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'