LDR breaking point

S

SamIAm

New member
I've been in a long distance relationship for about 9 months now. When I first parted with her back in August, I really didn't mind the idea of having to wait for a year or so to pick things back up with this girl. Things were going really, really well.

But now, as circumstances are evolving, it is looking like I stand to be apart from her for another two years, minimum, excluding visits. Furthermore, there are now only the most vague of plans for getting back together even after that time.

Being apart for that long is quite unacceptable. I love this girl, I feel like we can be happy sharing our lives with each other, but I don't want to wait three years for her. Life is too short.

She says she will wait for me.

Advice on how to proceed?
<P ID="signature"></P><P ID="edit"><FONT class="small">Edited by SamIAm on 04/16/07 06:51 PM.</FONT></P>
 
Watch the movie Boys and Girls "seriously this movie answers your question in like the first half hour completely"

If you continue the long distance romance you will break up. Even with the visits you both will change mentally/emotionally , possibly quite a bit, and it will not even be close to the same as before.

Sure you could be the one in a 1000 or whatever it is that works but the chance someone else might come along or it just may end is to great. End it or remove the long distance quickly is my advice.
<P ID="signature">Get off your ass and do it because it isn't going to happen on it's own no matter how much you wish it would.</P>
 
Two years is impossible. I speak from personal experience here. Think about it. Nine months already, plus TWO more years??

The love you feel may be real, but when you're not together, it can't grow. Love needs physical intimacy.

Most importantly, though, YOU will grow and change over the course of 2 years time. Whether you want to or not, it's going to happen. With that, your feelings for her will change accordingly. And so will hers towards you. You'll both be changing at the same time, whether you realize it or not.

There are a million local girls. Pick one of them and take a risk. If you seriously think you'll see her within a year, maybe try waiting, but two years? Forget about it.

Sorry :(
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> Advice on how to proceed?

Gonna have to stick with Coolie on this one, unless there's some way you can get her to come with you. I'm assuming you're going to Japan, based on your earlier posts. An adventure like that for her could really bring the two of you together and bring out new things in each of you.
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> Furthermore, there are now only the most
> vague of plans for getting back together even after that
> time.

I'm in a LDR myself (at least, I will be again come September *sigh*), and that's what's throwing up a red flag for me. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong, but that sounds like both of you are sort of anticipating it to amount to an eventual breakup.

To just sort of "break up" because you're going to be separated for a longer period of time seems cold to me. I can completely understand the rationale behind it, but it still seems cold.

If I were in your exact position, I would try to keep it going. Keep talking to her. Don't let your relationship drift apart. If it happens anyway, then at least you know you tried to keep things going.

It sounds like you're at a point now where you're unsure whether it can/will work out. If you keep at it and it still falls apart, then you'll know for sure that it wasn't meant to be.
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The story, in brief, goes like this.

We both graduate college at the end of this year. I'm in America, she's in Japan.

She wants to be a teacher. She has to apply directly to her prefecture for the job and she will not find out where they are placing her until March '08.

I want to be a translator. I need to live in Japan for another year or two to beef up my language skills enough to do it freelance. I don't care where I live or what I do during that time, just as long as I'm in Japan.

The trouble is, I can't necessarily get work where she is...unless she lets me live with her. Then I could get there, sniff out some kind of work in person, and not worry if my wages aren't great. Then, after a time, we could both hopefully transfer to a city.

She won't let me live with her. Says her mom, her future principal, and the whole community wouldn't approve of her living with someone she wasn't married to. She has a point, but only to a limited extent. This was the source of the argument we're going through now.

As it stands, the best we can do is this: I get a job somewhere in Japan, and after her first year teaching in her prefecture, she quits and transfers to where I am - not to live with me, but just to get an apartment in the same area. That would put us back together in the spring of 2009. I'm worried, though, because if there are any hangups, which are very likely, I could easily face additional months and years apart from her. I don't want to wait much longer at all.

I just wrote her a letter that demands that she take some kind of risk if she wants to keep the relationship going. I'm willing to wash dishes in a ramen shop and ride the ferry to Korea every three months. I need her to be willing to do something at least a little daring to help us be together. For the most part, she's only being chicken about living together.

I am setting deadlines in my mind, but for now, I'm just going to let the relationship roll on. That is, if she doesn't get pissed that I sent her a letter saying I don't love her or anyone enough to wait forever. We'll see.

Thanks, all. Keep the thoughts coming, it's all very interesting to me.
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> She won't let me live with her. Says her mom, her future
> principal, and the whole community wouldn't approve of her
> living with someone she wasn't married to. She has a point,
> but only to a limited extent. This was the source of the
> argument we're going through now.

It sounds like she has some issues of her own to sort out. I can only speak for myself here, but I would be wary in setting up a future life with a woman who places her mother's feelings about me above her own.
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> It sounds like she has some issues of her own to sort out.
> I can only speak for myself here, but I would be wary in
> setting up a future life with a woman who places her
> mother's feelings about me above her own.

I don't think that's quite it. I think it's that she's placing her mother's feelings toward her above my feelings toward her...which is not totally unreasonable. I just think she's being paranoid about the degree to which her mom would freak out if she and I started living together.

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> Advice on how to proceed?

The bottom line is that in LDR, you are technically single i.e. no companionship.

If you are willing and able to remain single, then there is nothing stopping you. shoot for the moon.

I married the girl next door, whadda I know.
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I think LDR's stem from fear. So many times I stuck with long distance girlfriends because deep-down I don't think I could've handled them being in the same zipcode, or I was just afraid to be alone (even though technically I was), or some other nonsense. I was definitely afraid of intimacy---that I can tell you with full certainty. Traditionally, commitment hasn't been my bag.

Long distance is "easier" in some ways. It gives you a "girlfriend" without any of the complications. You can maintain your loner lifestyle, but in reality, it's all crap. You just latch yourself onto another loner, never fixing your problem of intimacy. You watch totally obtainable girls pass by, girls you actually have to interact with. The only catch? You have to TALK to them. Oh god! They might figure out you're a loser! Adios to the rest of your already-low self esteem.

LDRs are fake relationships. Listen to the Pudu-man and check out the girls in town. He really hit a nerve with me, really pointing out the reasons why I loathed my old, bullshit relationships, and why I'm a lot happier these days.

Thanks man. Seriously.
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adolcoolie.txt
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I'm sure that what you say is very valid under certain circumstances, but mine are a little bit different. I was with this girl for a year before we parted. We lived about 3 blocks away from each other, and we met up almost every day. In the last two months, we even lived together. Neither of us are scared of commitment, I don't think, it's just that we can't be together without the proper visas.

We've talked some more, and I may have a shot at getting close to where she is in Japan within a year. When I actually graduate is up in the air (see earlier diaries post), and there are other loose factors as well, but if it works, I'll do it. I don't like it, but I'm not just going to break up with her over it now. We'll see what happens over the rest of this year.

I don't know what to think about the future, though. It still looks like a lot of time apart, and I don't want to be apart. I have to admit, there have been some local girls I knew I had a shot with but passed up, and it's really fucking with me. I know I'm going to move to Japan soon anyway, so I shouldn't exactly commit to someone here, but it's never easy to ignore a cute girl...especially when there is no cute girl waiting for you at home.
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everyone has their story of how they met and finally got together. you'll have yours.

until then
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