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SwampGas

New member
I don't really know what to say. I went for a long walk at 3:30am in the 21 degree weather. Took an extra shower. Tried to sleep...can't sleep. I'm still too angry to sit still.

I need to get the rest of the details first...but last night was the first time in my life that I tried to rationalize a way to get away with pulling the trigger. I should have pulled the trigger. I can't get what I saw out of my mind. I had a premonition about it earlier, talked to C for a while about it because it bothered me, but then just let it go. I saw it for real tonight. It wasn't me making stuff up. It wasn't a dream. It really happened. I can't shake it. I've been trying. I'm so upset I feel sick.

There's a reason why I've been saying this for as long as I can remember: there are no friends...just enemies who are too afraid to step up and take you over. Why? It's true. Someone did. And I'm not going to let them.

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Part 1 unfolds

Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to be witness to see how systematically uncovering a bunch of shit goes.

This is the "claim ignorance" stage. It's no concidence that the second I come online, I'm asked "how you doing?" like there's nothing wrong. I specifically asked if there's anything that I should be told....nadda. So then a phone call. "I know you're upset", "sam you're lying...I know that you're angry", "talk to me...whats' the matter?"

Go back about 3 years in diaries and read about Trina. I wrote the book on this, kids. It doesn't phase me. Back to the conversation...

Now we're in the "uh oh he's really really REALLY flipping out mad and he's trying to cover it, so let's try to calm him down" stage. I said we'd talk tonight...and that got me "SAM!! I can't stand to have you upset all day", "let's talk about this now", "talk to me", "I don't want you angry." Total avoidance in my request to speak personally. If it's nothing, then why push the fact I'm upset? Why not let it go like every other time? GUILTY CONSCIENCE.

Now we must move into the "shit...he does know...he's not being overly dramatic or bluffing, so let's take up his offer on a face-to-face chat to try and put on a little somethin' somethin' and calm him down" stage. But we can't wait until tonight...so who knows when this lovely conversation is going to happen.

Gd give me the strength not to flip out. I didn't have such luck with Trina and I lost it...I hope it doesn't happen again.

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And the resolution

It's resolved. I'm still so hurt and angry that I can't go through it at all yet.

Nice guys finish last.

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Re: And the resolution

> God damn...isn't THAT the truth.

To a certain extent. Most 'nice guys', myself included, were 'nice guys' because we were whiny little bastards that moaned and angsted over being OH SO ALONE, and tried to either demean ourselves or lift ourselves up and say "Well, at least I'm BETTER THAN HE/SHE IS", and then quietly cry in the corner.

When I stopped giving a crap about being a "nice guy", and just started being MYSELF (who is a fairly 'nice guy', in my not-so-humble opinion) well, then I netted myself a wife. That's right, a wife. A woman I'll love until the day I die.

I love that.

<P ID="signature">It doesn't matter if you’re 7'8" and weigh 100 lbs, or you're 4'9" and weigh 300 lbs, or black, green, or blue. That's Gene's greatest legacy to all of us - inclusion for the world. - Robert Blackman</P>
 
Re: And the resolution

Thanks. <img src=smilies/thumb.gif>

<P ID="signature">It doesn't matter if you’re 7'8" and weigh 100 lbs, or you're 4'9" and weigh 300 lbs, or black, green, or blue. That's Gene's greatest legacy to all of us - inclusion for the world. - Robert Blackman</P>
 
Re: And the resolution

> that's fantastic advice. i hope the others will garner some
> insight from that

You should know by looking at the backroom that we never learn <img src=smilies/moon.gif>

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Re: And the resolution

> You should know by looking at the backroom that we never
> learn

That's because you go into the backroom. I'm much happier not going there.


<P ID="signature">It doesn't matter if you’re 7'8" and weigh 100 lbs, or you're 4'9" and weigh 300 lbs, or black, green, or blue. That's Gene's greatest legacy to all of us - inclusion for the world. - Robert Blackman</P>
 
>last night
> was the first time in my life that I tried to rationalize a
> way to get away with pulling the trigger. I should have
> pulled the trigger.

You'd best not consider that. From what I've read, you're nobody's fool. You see the signs and you call people out on them.

Why let years and years of experience go to waste by killing yourself?

I don't know what else to say (so I suppose in retrospect, I shouldn't have said anything, right? I dunno.)

<P ID="signature">--

http://www.oddigy.com
beadsprites and PSFs, oh my!</P>
 
Not killing myself...killing that fuckhead.

Ew I said the f word.

It's all good now. It ended up in disaster, but at least it's over.

You should come live with me. I need a chick. <img src=smilies/thumb.gif>

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Re: And the resolution

> To a certain extent. Most 'nice guys', myself included,
> were 'nice guys' because we were whiny little bastards that
> moaned and angsted over being OH SO ALONE, and tried to
> either demean ourselves or lift ourselves up and say "Well,
> at least I'm BETTER THAN HE/SHE IS", and then quietly cry in
> the corner.

Hm. I was meaning more in the way of "Nice Guys Finish Last" meaning if you're nice to everyone all the time, people will just walk on you. This wouldn't mean you couldn't be nice, but just when people are right bastards, call them on it.

<P ID="signature">http://www.xanga.com/ZeldaDD
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Glargel blarg rargle! (Go to my weblog!)</a></P>
 
> Not killing myself...killing that f-word

Aha, okay. Good.

> You should come live with me. I need a chick.
>

...but I'm a soundcard. :o *blip*
'sides, I've had a dude for a while. He'd get jealous. :)


<P ID="signature">--

http://www.oddigy.com
beadsprites and PSFs, oh my!</P>
 
What Lobster said.

I consciously decided to do a few months ago basically what you just said to do, and lately I've been a mad chick magnet.

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Re: And the resolution

> When I stopped giving a crap about being a "nice guy", and
> just started being MYSELF (who is a fairly 'nice guy', in my
> not-so-humble opinion) well, then I netted myself a wife.
> That's right, a wife. A woman I'll love until the day I die.

Heh. If I had a mind to be "myself", I'd chatter about nothing but video games all day, and you know how much women love guys who talk about computers and video games nonstop. Oh wait. They don't.

And I thought just being sexy would get me by. Apparently women want someone who can generate normal conversation. Dammit.

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Those who are able to adapt and change in accord with the enemy and achieve victory are called divine.

-Sun Tzu</P>
 
> 'sides, I've had a dude for a while. He'd get jealous. :)

Come on. I'm much more awesome...I'm so much more hotter...and I like you <img src=smilies/liefde.gif>

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> Come on. I'm much more awesome...I'm so much more
> hotter...and I like you

And every other female poster since the dawn of time, or at least the dawn of this board. <img src=smilies/sleep.gif>

<P ID="signature"><hr>
Those who are able to adapt and change in accord with the enemy and achieve victory are called divine.

-Sun Tzu</P>
 
> And every other female poster since the dawn of time, or at
> least the dawn of this board.

You're missing quite a few details, son. Quite a few.

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